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"It's not just compared to the table, damn it. This is a small portion."
Reasons to avoid training No 234 - "I was on my way to the gym but then I heard that the DOW JONES had fallen 2.5%."
'Doctor, when you said you were going to put me on an exercise program, this is not what I had in mind.'
'To make matter worse, our combined weight is higher than our credit score.'
Dietician to man: 'To address your spare tire we must first get in touch with your inner tube.'
'If you want to lose weight you need to think about portion size!'
'Put the cheesecake and cappuccino on one bill and the health salad on another bill so I can show my wife that I'm watching my diet.'
'We have a slightly different system to most clubs. We like to sit around and watch each other get fat!'
"Twice a week I eat nothing but fruit."
Woman and scale
'I really am losing weight on the chinese diet...I use only one chopstick.'
'Good job I haven't got to worry about my figure anymore.'
"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"
She realised it would be foolish to start a diet with third cousin Rodney's retirement party due in only 12 years.
I still think the anti-personnel mines are a bit over the top.
Full fatHalf fatVirtually fat free.
KEEP BACK...This is double choc chip it could come open ANYTIME...Tip No 156 Always wear protective clothing when handling dangerous foodstuffs.
Media Attention for Aliens
"Are these prices?" "No, that's our Calorie-fixe menu."
'I can't eat those. They go right to my hips.'
Simply Be-Hemoth ladies fashion catalogue
Slob man says to fitness-fan wife: 'Couch potato is such an offensive term ... we prefer furniture-based leisure prioritisers.'
'None for me, thanks -- it goes straight to my thighs.'