Last month’s contest featured a drawing by New Yorker cartoonist P.C. Vey. He didn’t join us for the judging video—he claims to be camera-shy—but he did send us his top ten entries.
Vey’s drawing, set in the middle of an arid wasteland, is just the latest variation on the “man crawling through the desert” trope. This time the man is crawling toward a table on which there are three water jugs of varying sizes. Next to the table stands a man who’s wearing a tie and gesturing toward the largest jug and saying something.
Vey’s original caption was, “Now this one will get you through most desert scenarios, no problem.”
Two of you made similar jokes:
- “Don’t forget, with a bigger bottle you’ll be able to crawl farther.”
- “You’ll need a large to make it to the cactus.”
That second caption focuses on one minor detail in the drawing (the cactus), while the following entry focuses on yet another detail: “Of course. But first, how many fingers am I holding up behind my back?”
Here were the best “oblivious speaker” entries:
- “So, what brings you in today?”
- “What brings you in today?”
- “How can I help you?”
The first two captions are nearly identical, and we initially preferred the second version because it’s shorter. But on further reflection, we realized that the addition of the word “so” improved the joke by making the question sound like something a salesman might actually ask.
A couple of my fellow judges liked this caption—“Small, medium, or mirage?”—but I did not, and not just because of my general aversion to puns. The joke makes no sense, as it suggests that only one of the bottles is a mirage. Now here’s a mirage joke that makes far more sense: “Our mirages come in small, medium and large.” Like the better of the two mirage jokes, this entry addresses the bottles’ different sizes: “Are you slightly, moderately, or extremely dying of thirst?”
The next six entries all suggest that the jugs contain no water:
- “Just imagine how good these will look when filled with crisp, cool water.”
- “Water? No, I’m an empty bottle salesman.”
- “You look like you could use some bleach.”
- “Empty bottles are great for percussion.”
- “Looking to transport some sand?”“Water sold separately.”
This caption, by contrast, suggests that the jug contains not just water but an additional ingredient: “It’s a mixture of water and wood glue for the sandcastle contest.” I love that joke, both because it comes out of left field and because it addresses the desert setting in a really clever way, but Bob thought I’d lost my mind.
This caption suggests that the smaller jugs contain water but the largest does not: “This one costs a little more because it’s vodka.”
This next set of entries all have the salesman employing hard-sell tactics:
- “I’d hurry, someone else was just looking at this one.”
- “These prices won’t last—and neither will you.”
- “Sir, I can tell you’re not ‘just looking.’”
- “The first sip is free.”
Many of you submitted captions suggesting that the water jugs on the table are not available for immediate consumption:
- “They ship in 5 to 7 business days.”
- “Sorry, these are just for display.”
- “Just go to our website to order.”
- “These are just the floor models.”
- “These are display only.”
- “Address for shipping?”
The next five entries, however, identify other reasons the crawling man might have to wait to satisfy his thirst:
- “First, you’ll need to set up an account and sign up for our awards plan.”
- “Do you have a moment to learn about our recycling program?”
- “Welcome to my seminar, How Plastics are Killing Us.”
- “But first, a short timeshare presentation.”
- “First, a brief history of thirst.”
This caption, the month’s best example of turning a common expression into a fitting caption, was also the number one entry in crowdsourcing: “Well look who came crawling back.” I like it, but it’s obvious.
This caption does a nice job of addressing the crawling man’s condition: “Free?! Are you delirious?”
Here are the month’s best recycling jokes:
- “Note the ten-cent refund in California.”
- “Bring them back for free refills.”
Ad here’s a caption for everyone who, like Trevor, hates the way Starbucks makes its customers sound pretentious while placing their orders: “You have to say ‘grande.’”
I like the way this caption tells a story, or at least hints at how the crawling man ended up in the desert: “Don’t make this your second worst decision of the day.”
This caption makes no sense because the crawling man is wearing a shirt: “No shirt, no shoes, no service.” Many of you submitted a better version of the same joke—“No shoes, no service.”—but it’s a little obvious.
This next entry, which qualifies as the month’s best ironic caption, suggests that the salesman is even more relieved than the crawling man: “Thank God! I haven’t seen anyone in days.”
I’ll end this commentary with five decent entries that don’t fit neatly into a particular category:
- “How likely are you to recommend us to other crawlers?”
- “I hope you remembered your cup this time.”
- “I’m sorry, the correct answer is aquifer.”
- “You look like a drinking man.”
- “The usual?”
Congratulations to VICTOR CHONGCHUA, who submitted this month’s winning caption: “These are display only.” Victor created the “Words Below” website, an archive of every New Yorker cartoon caption contest, and his wife Jolene won CartoonStock contest #196.
The five runners-up for last month’s contest are:
- “Welcome to my seminar, How Plastics are Killing Us.” THOMAS ANDEL
- “They ship in 5 to 7 business days.” ELIZABETH LAWLER
- “So, what brings you in today?” JESSICA MISENER
- “You have to say ‘grande.’” KAREN KONNO
- “Water sold separately.” ABBY SIEGEL
Watch the Judging Process
If you’re interested in how we made our selections we recorded the process and you can find it below
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