Cartoonist Bill Whitehead helped judge last month’s contest, which featured his drawing of a creature who looks like Bigfoot talking to a group of reporters, one of whom has a camera, in the woods. The creature’s nose is unusually large and he looks weary, as though he’s tired of the reporters’ questions.
Bill’s original caption alludes to the fact that Bigfoot has always remained elusive: “This is all off the record and I’ll need everyone to sign non-disclosure agreements.” One of you submitted a punchier and (sorry, Bill) better version of the same joke: “This is off the record.”
Many of you noted that Bigfoot’s very existence is the subject of debate:
- “I’m as real as the Hot Singles In Your Area Dying To Meet You.”
- “Reports of my nonexistence have been greatly exaggerated.”
- “Thanks to everyone who believed in me.”
- “I’d like to clear up a few myths.”
That first caption made me laugh out loud, but it doesn’t really make sense. The creature who’s talking about himself is obviously real, but the joke implies he’s not.
Every drawing of a mythical creature elicits captions like this entry: “I don’t believe in myself, either.”
Another set of entries addressed the unfortunate fact that many people are starting to doubt mainstream news outlets as much as they doubt Bigfoot’s existence:
- “Nowadays, people don’t believe in you, either.”
- “This won’t convince anyone.”
- “I don’t believe in you either.”
- “You guys are the real hoax.”
Over the years, many people have tried to document Bigfoot’s existence with photographic evidence but, as many of you noted, this evidence has always been blurry:
- “We can’t start until his camera is out of focus.”
- “Do you need time to unfocus the shot?”
- “Most of my life has been a total blur.”
- “That part of my life is just a blur.”
- “Finally, a camera that works.”
One of you suggested that the creature is not Bigfoot but a witness to the existence of a different mythical monster: “That’s when I saw it—swimming near the shore of the loch.”
Here’s another entry that suggests that the subject of the reporters’ interest is not Bigfoot: “For the last time, my name is Bernie Schwartzman. I’m an accountant from Brooklyn and I got separated from my family on a hike.” That caption doubles as the month’s best Jewish joke.
These captions suggest that the creature poses a threat:
- “Mostly berries, nuts, and reporters.”
- “Now it’s your turn to hide.”
That second caption is especially good because it alludes to Bigfoot’s elusiveness.
In the next three entries, the creature is trying to throw the reporters off the scent:
- “Let me be clear. There have been no credible sightings of Bigfoot in this area.”
- “I only saw him once. He was fifteen feet tall and had enormous feet.”
- “Can’t say I’ve ever seen a creature that fits that description.”
Here’s the month’s best big penis joke: “Not just the feet.”
This next caption puts a nice spin on the line that’s used to end many interviews: “I won’t be taking any more measurements at this time.” It may also be the month’s second-best big penis joke.
Here are some captions that address the size of the creature’s feet:
- “Size 22. Are there any good questions.”
- “Actually, I’m a size 10.”
- “I prefer Plus Size Foot.”
That first entry deserves credit for being consistent with the creature’s expression.
These captions focus on the size of the creature’s nose:
- “I’m Big Nose. You want my brother, Big Foot.”
- “To set the record straight, they’re both big.”
- “No, I’m his brother Bignose.”
That first caption would be much better without the last two words, which overexplain and kill the joke.
Here are two captions that focus on the name “Bigfoot:”
- “I didn’t think my high school nickname would follow me for the rest of my life.”
- “It’s hurtful because they’re actually proportional.”
This entry explains why the creature is so large: “I have a Thyroid disorder.”
Here’s a great example of a caption that’s clever—it addresses both the size of the creature’s feet and the fact that he lives an environmentally-friendly existence in the woods—but not funny: “You’ll find my carbon footprint is quite small.”
As an author who’s sold just 5,500 of the 19,000 copies of the book his publisher printed, this entry resonated with me: “My publisher said I had a visibility problem.” I hope one of you will buy the remaining 13,500 copies of “Your Caption Has Been Selected—More Than Anyone Could Possibly Want to Know About The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest.”
The final caption I’m choosing to highlight—“Mating season starts in five minutes, so if there are no further questions…”—reminded Bob of an old joke about a hunter and a bear. It’s been told by a young Charles and Camilla on “The Crown,” by Tilda Swinton’s character in “The Killer,” and by the late Gilbert Gottfried during one of his stand-up specials. Here’s how Tilda Swinton delivered the joke:
A hunter goes into the woods and he sees this grizzly. Biggest he’s ever seen. He raises his rifle and fires. The bear falls, the hunter rushes forward, and to his surprise there’s nothing there. There’s no bear, there’s no broken twigs, there’s no blood. And then suddenly the grizzly throws this massive arm around his shoulders and explains, “You took your shot, you missed, so either I feast, or—and the choice is yours—I sodomize you.” Naturally the hunter chooses life.
The next day, the hunter returns to the woods with a much bigger gun, and he spots the bear again. He aims, he fires, the bear falls. The hunter charges. No sign of the bear, until the bear is standing beside him, saying, “You know the deal.” Indignity ensues.
The following day the hunter treks back to the woods, this time with a bazooka. He sees the bear, lines him up in his crosshairs, fires. The recoil from the bazooka throws him backwards. He looks up as the smoke’s clearing, and there’s the bear standing above him, arms crossed. And the bear squints. “You’re not really out here for the hunting, are you?”
If you think that’s rough, you should hear Gottfried’s version.
Congratulations to EVAN GREY, who submitted the winning caption: “I didn’t think my high school nickname would follow me for the rest of my life.”
The five runners-up are:
- “For the last time, my name is Bernie Schwartzman. I’m an accountant from Brooklyn and I got separated from my family on a hike.”
PETER SERGISON
- “Let me be clear. There have been no credible sightings of Bigfoot in this area.”
NICOLE CHROLAVICIUS
- “Mostly berries, nuts, and reporters.”
CAROL LASKY
- “Finally, a camera that works.”
BRANDON LAWNICZAK
- “Now it’s your turn to hide.”
VINCENT COCA
Watch the Judging Process
If you’re interested in how we made our selections we recorded the process and you can find it below
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