In Teresa Burns Parkhurst’s cartoon, a doctor is delivering what appears to be bad news to a dairy cow, who’s wearing a hospital gown and sitting on an examining table.
I first considered ironic captions:
- “You’re lactose intolerant.”
- “Somehow you have a Vitamin D deficiency.”
- “Too much dairy.”
Then I went with a sick joke I’m not really proud of: “Show me where the dairy farmer touched you.”
Here’s a less disturbing joke about the milking process: “What relieves your discomfort?”
And here are a couple jokes about bovine spongiform encephalopathy:
- “No, not mad as in angry.”
- “No, not angry mad.”
This caption refers to the cow’s spots: “Your skin’s a little blotchy.”
And these two assume the doctor is not qualified to diagnose a cow:
- “I’m referring you to a veterinarian.”
- “Are there no large animal veterinarians in network?”
Finally, here’s a caption that has little to do with cows, but seems to fit the drawing: “I’m afraid you need a longer gown.”
Now let’s see how you did.
Many of you went the ironic route:
- “You need to stay away from dairy.”
- “You’re calcium deficient.”
- “You’re lactose intolerant.”
That last caption is good but perhaps too obvious. Not only did I think of it; about twenty of you submitted the identical entry, and twice that many submitted some longer variation on the same joke.
There were a lot of “hoof and mouth disease” jokes, but these were the best:
- “First of all, keep your hoof away from your mouth.”
- “It would be best if you not put your hoof in your mouth.”
Here’s the best mad cow joke: “We caught it early—you have ‘Somewhat Annoyed Cow Disease.’”
And here are the week’s best puns:
- “You’re having a cow.”
- “How are your calves feeling today?”
- “I’m afraid you’ll have to be put out to pasture.”
A cow has a ruminant digestive system—a stomach with four separate compartments—that helps break down the coarse food the cow eats. Two of you turned this information into strong captions:
- “Stomachs ache?”
- “Which stomach is bothering you?”
These three entries are all better than my joke about the cow’s spots:
- “Good news, your spots are benign.”
- “I don’t think the black spots are anything to be concerned about.”
- “When did you first notice these spots?”
I’m grateful to the sick bastard who submitted this entry–“Can you show me where Farmer Brown has been touching you?”—as I now feel less ashamed about my very similar and equally tasteless joke.
Many entries played on a euphemism for marijuana, but these were the best:
- “You tested positive for grass.”
- “You need to cut back on the grass.”
Like that last caption, this entry has the doctor advising the cow to reduce her intake of something unhealthy: “You need to cut back on the salt lick.”
As I did, two of you noticed that the hospital gown left the patient exposed:
- “They need to make those gowns longer.”
- “You’re right, the gown is not really designed for cows.”
Even though the cow is not wearing a bell around its neck, I love this entry: “We’ve found the source of that constant ringing.” And who knows? Maybe the cow removed the bell for the examination.
Like I did, one of you assumed the doctor might not be the right kind of medical professional: “I’ve got some bad news. I’m not a vet.” Another one of you assumed he was not a doctor at all: “The good news is everything checks out fine. The bad news is I’m a butcher.” I like the way that entry highlights the similarities between a doctor’s lab coat and a butcher’s smock, but a butcher would not be wearing a stethoscope around his neck.
These last three captions don’t fit neatly into any category, but they’re all good:
- “When the nurse comes in with coffee, we’d like to get a sample.”
- “We’ve been giving you the wrong hormones, Sir.”
- “But…there’s supposed to be a milky discharge.”
As I’ve already noted, I really like this caption: “We’ve found the source of that constant ringing.” I cannot, however, declare it this week’s winner because it doesn’t account for the cow’s expression, which makes it look like she’s just received some bad news. I’m therefore going with, “You need to cut back on the salt lick.”