Bob Mankoff is feeling much better but was again unable to join the judging panel this month, so New Yorker cartoonist Ellis Rosen took his place. Ellis is talented and funny, and you can see three of his cartoons and read his thoughts on The New Yorker’s caption contest in my book, Your Caption Has Been Selected (pages 60, 182-84, 192). That’s one of the last plugs I’ll make for my book, which I will mention no more after June 4, the one-year anniversary of its publication.
Grant Meikle, who goes by the alias “Scribbly G,” submitted the drawing for this month’s contest, but he was on a flight to Spain when we recorded our judging video. His cartoon is set in a psychiatrist’s office. Both the doctor and patient are cats, and each is sitting in his own cardboard box. The psychiatrist is taking notes, and the patient (whose box has a large arrow above the words “THIS WAY UP”) is speaking.
Meikle’s original caption alludes to the myth that cats have multiple lives: “My biggest fear is that my next eight lives will be as boring as this one.” One of you submitted essentially the same joke—“And all nine are going to be like this, generally?”—which would have been much better without the last word. The caption should end with the punchline, which will rarely if ever be “generally.” One more thing about this entry: the first word is also unnecessary. Here’s a better version: “Are all nine going to be like this?”
These captions also allude to the “nine lives” myth, but highlight the patient’s regret:
- “I’m afraid my best lives are behind me.”
- “What am I doing with my lives?”
- “I’m wasting my lives.”
We liked all three of those entries but thought the last two were the strongest. And though we typically prefer shorter entries because they’re punchier, in this case the slightly longer version—“What am I doing with my lives?”—seemed closer to what a psychiatrist’s patient would actually say.
Here are two entries that put an especially dark twist on the “nine lives’ joke:
- “After the eighth suicide attempt, I just gave up trying…”
- “Even if I follow through with it, I still have eight more.”
This “nine lives” joke is good—“What if there’s no after-after-after-after-after-after-after-after-afterlife?” —but perhaps too similar in structure to the winning caption from the New Yorker contest that featured this drawing by Lars Kenseth:
You all know how I feel about puns—I could do without them—but these are terrific:
- “They tell me to knock it off and then get pissed when I do.”
- “That’s nothing – last week I knocked over a liquor store.”
- “I’m used to burying my shit, not talking about it.”
- “I didn’t come here to be fixed.”
Rosen initially objected to that third entry because he thought the inclusion of the word “shit” was a lazy way to elicit a response. I understand that objection, but in this case that word—and its double meaning—was central to the joke. Even The New Yorker has published a “shit” caption, and it was great:
This caption includes even stronger profanity, but I really like it: “She screams, ‘That fucking cat” every time she uses the lint roller.”
The next four captions note that cats are notoriously aloof:
- “Why am I so caring? Why am I so loving? Why am I so excited when my owners come home? What’s wrong with me, Doc?”
- “I’m worried that I’m starting to care.”
- “No one cares about my indifference.”
- “I get too much unwanted attention.”
The first of those four entries is unusually long, but every word is necessary and helps build the rhythm of the joke before getting to the punchline, which ties everything together beautifully.
Here are the best of the entries that allude to how much cats sleep:
- “I wonder if I’m making the most of the four hours I’m awake.”
- “I’m barely sleeping 20 hours a day anymore.”
- “I’m having trouble sleeping 22 hours a day.”
- “I only slept 20 hours yesterday.”
Those last three entries are versions of the exact same joke, but the best is, “I’m having trouble sleeping 22 hours a day.” We love it because “I’m having trouble sleeping” is a common complaint among people who seek psychiatric help, and the addition of “22 hours a day” turns the caption into a fitting, perfectly-worded, and pretty funny caption.
The next two captions note that cats are predators:
- “Their squeaks still haunt me.”
- “I’m a mass murderer.”
I appreciate this allusion to an old proverb about the need to mind one’s own business—“I’m afraid I have curiosity.”—but it just reminds of this classic New Yorker cartoon by James Stevenson:
Here’s the month’s best reference to “Schrodinger’s cat,” the thought experiment that highlights a potential problem with the Copenhagen interpretation of quantum mechanics: “The physicist who owns me doesn’t know if I’m alive or dead.”
For those who prefer pop culture to quantum mechanics, here’s the month’s best reference to Katy Perry: “I kissed a dog and liked it.”
And here are a few more captions that, like that last entry, highlight the usually antagonistic relationship between dogs and cats:
- “Own a bunch of dogs and you’re a dog lover; own a few cats and you’re a crazy cat lady.”
- “They always tell him he’s a good boy.”
- “My wife ran off with two dogs.”
I like that first entry, but it doesn’t really make sense because it’s a complaint that would be made by a cat owner as opposed to a cat.
Here’s the month’s best reference to a cat’s innate ability to orient itself as it falls, commonly known as the “righting reflex”: “I just can’t seem to land on my feet.”
And here’s the best reference to getting neutered: “The only balls I have left are made of yarn.”
I suspect this next entry may have come from Beth Lawler, who co-hosts the cartoon caption contest podcast and likes to make couch jokes whenever there’s a drawing about psychiatrists and pets: “I’d feel better if you had a couch I could shred.”
I love this reference to the fact that cats are so lazy: “It’s a recurring nightmare where I actually do something.”
Trevor Hoey appreciated the way this entry focused on a seemingly insignificant detail in the drawing, the instruction that appears on one side of the patient’s box: “Things can only go up from here.”
He also liked this caption because he hates to see cat owners treat their pets like dogs: “My owner walks me on a leash.”
Here are three decent entries that don’t fit neatly into any of the categories mentioned above:
- “How can I complete my evil agenda when they keep feeding me and calling me Mittens?”
- “And then I found out the red dot isn’t even real.”
- “We’ve barely scratched the surface.”
I’ll conclude my commentary with an entry that has nothing to do with the drawing featured in this month’s contest but acknowledges that, last month, I mentioned Bob couldn’t help judge entries because he wasn’t feeling well: “I hope Bob Mankoff has recovered from his health issues.” That’s very kind, and I’m sure Bob appreciates the good wishes.
Congratulations to PETER C. SERGISON, who submitted the winning caption: “What am I doing with my lives?”
The five runners-up are:
- “It’s a recurring nightmare where I actually do something.”
- “I’m used to burying my shit, not talking about it.”
- “I’m having trouble sleeping 22 hours a day.”
- “I just can’t seem to land on my feet.”
- “I didn’t come here to be fixed.”
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube Channel.