In Bob Eckstein’s cartoon, a doctor who’s bandaging a patient from head to toe is pushing his foot against the patient’s back for leverage, and delivering the line that will serve as the caption.
Focusing on the tape, I first made an insurance joke: “If you had Medicaid, I’d have to use red tape.”
I then came up with two captions that presume the doctor is trying to deal with an infectious disease:
- “In case it’s contagious.”
- “In the old days, you’d have been quarantined.”
Next, I imagined the doctor overreacting to the patient’s medical issue: “That should keep your finger immobilized.”
Then I imagined the doctor responding defensively to the patient’s complaint about the doctor’s approach: “Do I tell you how to do your job?”
Finally, I went with a couple mummy jokes:
- “I practice Egyptian medicine.”
- “I did my residency is Cairo.”
Now let’s see how you did:
There were a lot of insurance jokes, and the best included:
- “Yes, you have complete coverage.”
- “Don’t worry, it’s fully covered.”
- “What did you think full coverage meant?”
- “Don’t move until I meet your deductible.”
- “Unfortunately, your HMO covers red tape only.”
I’m partial to that last entry because, like one of my captions, it makes a reference to red tape, but it should end with that reference. “Red tape” is the punchline, so the word “only” should be removed from the end of the caption and appear immediately before the word “covers.”
There were also a lot of mummy jokes:
- “It may be uncomfortable now, but you’ll thank me in 3,000 years.”
- “Now remember – walk like an Egyptian.”
- “You should cut back on the preservatives.”
- “Why, yes, I did study medicine in Egypt. Why do you ask?”
That last entry, which is substantively similar to my “residency is Cairo” caption, highlights some common mistakes. First, it’s too long. Second, it ends (as many entries do) with the question, “Why do you ask?” I don’t think that question, which I see all the time, has ever improved a caption. It just makes the caption longer for no good purpose aside from hammering home the point that you’re making a joke. Don’t do it.
Here’s a great caption for the #MeToo era, or what’s sometimes solemnly referred to as the current climate: “Try groping the nurses now.”
I love all of the following captions, which go after the same good joke:
- “You’ll need to change this twice a day.”
- “Remember to change it every four hours.”
- “Remember to change the bandage daily.”
Here is a similar, and equally great, caption: “Don’t get it wet in the shower.”
There were many personal injury/unethical lawyer jokes, and these were the two best:
- “Don’t worry, your attorney will remove these right after court tomorrow.”
- “The jury will love this.”
I really like these two variations on the same terrific idea:
- “Will someone be driving you home?”
- “Do you have a ride home?”
As I did, many of you imagined the doctor overreacting to the patient’s medical issue, and I especially liked these two captions (both of which are better than my similar entry):
- “This should stop the bleeding.”
- “You can’t be too careful about a sprained ankle.”
I also really liked these unclassifiable entries:
- “Wait a minute. Where’s my watch?”
- “Your doctor called in sick-I work in shipping.”
- “Nurse, do you remember who this is?”
- “You won’t be able to drive but you should be able to hail a cab.”
This week there were so many good entries I want to select not just a winning caption (“Do you have a ride home?”), but two runners-up:
- “The jury will love this.”
- “Don’t get it wet in the shower.”