Last month’s contest featured a drawing by New Yorker cartoonist Sofia Warren, who unfortunately couldn’t join our judging panel but did review all the entries and send us her top ten. Sofia’s drawing is set in a bedroom, where a woman is in bed and on her smart phone. Under her bed is a monster, who’s leaning back on his elbows and saying something to the woman.
Sofia’s original caption was, ““I know you have a lot of other fears fighting for your attention, but I’m working pretty hard here and it’d be nice if you could acknowledge that.” That’s long but there’s not a wasted word, and it’s funny.
Several of you made a similar joke:
- “I can’t compete with cheerful women describing murder.”
- “I feel like you’re cheating on me with other fears.”
- “I miss being the scariest thing in your life.”
- “I can’t compete with doom scrolling.”
This entry also suggests, in a nicely ironic way, that phones are just as scary as monsters: “You’ll give yourself nightmares.”
Some of my fellow judges thought these next two jokes were essentially the same:
- “I should be the thing keeping you awake.”
- “Hey, I’m supposed to be keeping you up.”
They’re not. In the first caption, the monster is arguing that he, as opposed to the phone, should be keeping the woman up. In the second, he’s complaining that the woman is keeping him from getting a good night’s rest. Both captions are excellent but in different ways, and those differences are significant.
Here are some more entries that have the monster complaining that he can’t get to sleep:
- “We need to talk about your sleep schedule.”
- “Some of us have to work in the evening.”
- “Do you mind? I’m trying to sleep.”
Kudos to fellow judge Joel Mishon, who rescued the following entry from oblivion and convinced us all that it’s really good: “Is that Jill? Put it on speaker. Hi, Jill!” We love the idea that the monster is not a terrifying presence but, in Trevor Hoey’s words, “just one of the girls.” I just wish it read, “Put her on speaker,” but it still works.
The next several entries suggest that the monster is more needy than scary:
- “I suppose I could just follow you on Instagram.”
- “Have you even told your family about me?”
- “Why aren’t you answering my texts?”
- “Did you get my friend request yet?”
- “I had a bad dream.”
Here’s the month’s best sex joke, which suggests the woman wants to make a beast with two backs: “I’m sorry. I know you’re lonely but we crossed a line last time.” So perverse, and so, so funny.
This next entry has the monster wanting to get into bed with the woman, but more for companionship than sex: “Even if I keep my tail on the floor?”
These next captions suggest the woman is texting with, or about to text, a guy she likes:
- “If he’s not texting you back, he’s the real monster.”
- “Wait a day before texting him.”
- “If he ghosts you, I’ll eat him.”
I appreciate the way the first two captions have the monster dispensing dating advice, but I really like the implied violence of the third entry. So does my youngest daughter.
These entries explain why the monster is in the woman’s bedroom:
- “Your phone summons me when your screen time exceeds 18 hours per day.”
- “Because you just accepted the terms and conditions.”
- “Your mom hired me to limit your screen time.”
These next four entries allude to the well-documented and addictive dangers of texting in bed:
- “I live under a bed and even I think your screen time is unhealthy.”
- “You don’t even check under the bed anymore.”
- “Screen time before bed is the real monster.”
- “I came to possess you. Oops, I’m too late.”
- “I hate being the lesser evil.”
That fourth caption is clever, but I hate the word “oops.” It’s too cute. I can’t stand cute humor.
This next entry comes out of left field, something we judges all appreciate, and suggests the monster is speaking as an authority on what’s frightening: “You’d be scarier with it under your chin.”
Another unexpected entry suggests the woman is taking a picture of the monster: “I’m not sure I have a good side.”
The next three entries all refer to specific mobile phone features:
- “Have they made a Cthulhu emoji yet?”
- “I wish you’d turn off Do Not Disturb.”
- “Can you at least use dark mode?”
I got the H.P. Lovecraft reference in that first caption, but I had never before heard of “dark mode,” and Bob Mankoff mocked me for my ignorance.
When my sister’s boyfriend (now husband) first visited my parents’ home in 1980 and saw that they had rotary phones and a knob-operated black-and-white TV, he said: “It’s like living with the Amish.” That’s part of the reason why I really like this entry: “Maybe I should try terrifying the Amish.”
The next caption is clever, but it doesn’t actually make sense because people don’t check their sleep scores until they wake up in the morning: “Nice sleep score. It would be a shame if something happened to it.”
These two captions imply that the woman and the monster under her bed have been together for a long time:
- “Twenty years together and not once have you asked me whether I’m comfortable.”
- “This was easier when you were six.”
This final caption has the monster responding to a question from the woman: “No, I haven’t seen your charger.”
Congratulations to WAYNE KLINE, who won the contest with his joke about true-crime podcasts: “I can’t compete with cheerful women describing murder.” The five runners-up are:
- “I’m sorry. I know you’re lonely but we crossed a line last time.” MICHAEL HOLMES
- “I should be the thing keeping you awake.” KYAL SHEPARD
- “Hey, I’m supposed to be keeping you up.” WAYNE KLINE (now that Wayne has won $600 in this contest, he must report his winnings to the IRS and complete Form W-2G)
- “Is that Jill? Put it on speaker. Hi, Jill!” JOSEPH SILLS
- “If he ghosts you, I’ll eat him.” JEFFREY LAUTIN
Watch the Judging Process
If you’re interested in how we made our selections we recorded the process and you can find it below
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It’s been a while since I plugged my book, so remember you can purchase it here: https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250333407 My publisher told me it’s sold 5,400 copies, which is good but far less than the initial print-run of 19,000, so please buy a few thousand more.