Last month’s contest featured a captionless drawing by New Yorker cartoonist Tim Hamilton, who helped judge the more than 500 entries. If you like his work as much as we do, check out his website and podcast.
Hamilton’s drawing is set in a bar, where two human-size fish are sitting next to each other on stools. The one on the right is addressing the bartender, who’s holding a telephone. Hamilton’s original caption suggested the fish is asking the bartender to cover for him: “If that’s my wife, tell her I left an hour ago and am headed upstream to spawn right now.”
A few of you with similar ideas submitted puns:
- “If that’s my wife, tell her I’m on another line.”
- “Tell her I’m on another line.”
- “Tell her I got away.”
In the next set of captions, the fish is not asking the bartender to lie, but he is telling the bartender what to say:
- “Tell my wife to just lay her eggs and I’ll fertilize them when I get home.”
- “Tell her I’m making like the river and getting polluted.”
- “Tell her I’ll be home after one more dive.”
- “Well, you tell her she’s got a big mouth.”
These captions suggest the fish is:
Worried: “She’s pissed. She used my scientific name.”
Exasperated: “I swear, it’s like she has sonar.”
Resigned: “Caught again.”
Kicking himself for an earlier mistake: “I never should’ve bought her that fish finder.”
The best “wife on the line” came out of left field, surprising and delighting us: “If that’s my wife, then who am I sitting next to?”
These entries suggest that the person who’s calling the bar may not be the fish’s wife:
- “If it’s the aquarium, they can deduct the damage from my wages.”
- “If it’s that bear again, tell him we’re at the oyster bar.”
I especially like the way that first caption suggests an entire backstory (one that involves a lot of broken glass and flood damage).
Dark jokes are always welcome, and this contest elicited several decent ones:
- “We’re sitting right here. We can hear you ordering the tartar sauce.”
- “The barstool’s fine. Why would we want a cedar plank?”
- “What makes you so glad to see us on a Friday?”
- “Did you just describe us as ‘buttery’?”
I’m surprised that only one of you addressed the fact that the fish are as large as a human being: “You should’ve seen the size of the fisherman that got away.”
Here’s another entry that deserves credit for focusing on a small detail that everyone else overlooked: “Dude, your line’s twisted.” Yes, it’s a pun, but I like it. I’d like it even more without the word “Dude,’ which is both unnecessary and distracting.
The idea behind this joke is solid, but I hate the way it’s worded: “I ain’t a fish outta water, Mac. I’m a fish outta scotch!” The colloquialisms and exclamation point doesn’t help.
Bob liked this horrible joke—“Yes, I’m Salman.”—and because he’s done so much for me over the years I decided against my better judgment to highlight it in this commentary.
The next two entries acknowledge the difficulty a fish would have with a barstool:
- “Tell her to come get me. I keep sliding off my seat.”
- “Your barstools suck.”
They’d also have trouble drinking out of a bottle (“What do you have to do to get a plastic straw around here?”) or using a phone (“I’m going to need you to dial for me.”).
The following caption notes that yeast stress, caustic or sanitizer residue, or oxidation can trigger chemical reactions that produce amnio compounds or sulfur, resulting in a distinct and unpleasant fish-like funk: “Is it me, or does this beer smell funny?”
These two entries focus on the fact that fish are aquatic animals:
- “You call this beer watered down?”
- “Can I get some water?”
And these three play on the double-meaning of words that can be used in the context of both fishing and making a phone call:
- “How’d you get that phone off the hook so easily?”
- “Just leave it off the hook.”
- “Sorry, landlines scare me.”
This entry does a nice job of combining references to fish and alcohol: “One bottle of tequila. The one with the worm in it.”
And here’s a decent pun that doubles as a very mild sex joke: “When do the barflies arrive?”
This final caption (“It’s easier to get to the spawning grounds than it is to get a beer around here.”) reminds me of a story. My friend Bill Siegel received an Academy Award nomination in 2004 for co-directing the terrific documentary “The Weather Underground.” At the ceremony in Los Angeles, he was standing at a crowded bar when he heard a woman behind him say, “Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?” He turned around and it was Faye Dunaway.
Congratulations to JOE AYELLA, who submitted the winning caption: “If that’s my wife, then who am I sitting next to?”
The five runners-up are:
- “How’d you get that phone off the hook so easily?”
ROB NEEDHAM
- “She’s pissed. She used my scientific name.”
KATHY WROBEL
- “Well, you tell her she’s got a big mouth.”
JOHN KONNO
- “I swear, it’s like she has sonar.”
KATHY WROBEL
- “Caught again.”
KURT ROSETTI
If you want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube channel (Subscribe!).
Like what you see? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more Caption Contest episodes.
Just a reminder, the rules have changed a bit. The winner will get half the money we collect from entrants (which could be far more or far less than $500, depending on the level of participation), and the five runners-up will split the balance. Furthermore, there is no longer a limit to the number of entries you may submit, but after the first three you submit for an entrance fee of $5.00, each additional entry costs $3.00.
The prize money increases with each participant, so encourage your friends to play.
And if you haven’t yet ordered my book on the caption contest even though it’s been out for almost two years, click on the following link: