Last month’s contest featured a drawing by Isabella Bannerman, who worked on Pee-wee’s Playhouse and is, along with five other women (including New Yorker cartoonist Mary Lawton), one of the panel artists for the syndicated daily comic strip “Six Chix.”
Isabella’s drawing is set in a restaurant in hell, where a demon waiter is holding an order pad and addressing a man and woman who are seated at a table. The demon has a somewhat haughty expression and the couple are sweating, either because of the heat—they’re surrounded by flames—or because they’re worried about eternal damnation.
We received a record-breaking 634 entries for this contest, and the pot was nearly $1,400.
Isabella had two captions for this contest, and both suggested that the flames of hell would make all the dishes really hot:
- “Everything on the menu is spicy.”
- “Everything is served on a bed of hot coals, including the salad.”
A few of you went after the same joke:
- “All the plates are extremely hot.”
- “Everything comes well done.”
- “Rare? Good one, Sir.”
We got a lot of puns, and these were the best:
- “The catch of the day is soul.”
- “This is our Fall menu.”
- “We don’t have wings.”
- “Our menu is just deserts.”
That last pun is especially good. It addresses both food and the wages of sin because the punchline, which rhymes with desserts, comes from the archaic noun meaning “that which is deserved.”
Here’s a pun Bob didn’t get—“You’ll be my servers tonight”—until I reminded him that Bob Dylan’s “Gotta Serve Somebody” includes the lines, “Well, it may be the Devil or it may be the Lord, but you’re gonna have to serve somebody.”
And here’s a joke that, initially, only Bob understood: “Your spouses will be joining shortly.” It suggests (at least according to Bob) that the couple’s in hell because they’ve been cheating on their partners, and that their partners have also cheated on them. But is the adulterous man’s wife cheating on him by sleeping with his lover’s husband? And is the adulterous woman’s husband cheating on her with her lover’s wife? That would be some coincidence. Or is the implication that the demon’s torturing the cheating couple by having their innocent spouses join them for dinner? But why would the innocent spouses be in hell? In the end, we decided the caption didn’t really work because it raised too many questions and made our heads hurt.
Bob criticized this entry—“They’re just called ‘eggs’ down here.”—on the grounds that it begs the question, “What would demons call regular, un-deviled eggs?” Maybe he’s right, but I liked the caption because it reminded me of a scene from “Modern Family,” Season 8, Episode 1 (“A Tale of Three Cities”). Jay Pritchett, an old white man, is at a wedding in Juarez, Mexico, where he discovers Galletas Marias (sweet plain biscuits), and asks his sister-in-law, “Hey, have you tried one of these Mexican cookies?” She says, “They just call them cookies.”
Vegans annoy me, so I loved this entry—“Asking for vegan is what got you here.”—which reminded me of a brilliant Alex Gregory cartoon:
In an on-line blog called “The Vegan Strategist,” Tobias Leenaert, who wrote How to Create a Vegan World: a Pragmatic Approach (Lantern Press, 2017), scolded Gregory for what he called “do-gooder derogation.” God help us.
This entry—“And for dessert, also kale.”—made me laugh out loud, The addition of the word “also” suggests not just that kale would make an awful dessert, but that it’s the only item on the entire menu. It’s a great joke, and it reminded me of this classic by Roz Chast:
There were, like the kale joke, many entries suggesting that hell’s kitchen would serve only terrible food (e,g., “Everything comes with raisins”). Two of the best played on the comic trope that British food is bland, overcooked, and generally unappetizing, and to his credit, our English judge, Joel Mishon, championed both:
- “You’re about to experience the worst meal you’ve ever had unless you’re British.”
- “We only serve British food.”
Shorter captions are punchier and therefore usually better, but in this case I prefer the longer version because (1) “British” is a better punchline than “British food”, and (2) “only serve” should be “serve only.”
This caption is not only funny but kind of deep: “Is everyone happy with their choices?”
This next entry goes after the same joke—“No menus. You’ve already made your choices.”—but it doesn’t work because life choices wouldn’t appear on the menu. This other entry, which I suspect was entered by the same person, works better: “No menus. You’ll get what you deserve.”
This caption—“The coupon? It expired when you did.”—would work better as a short declarative statement: “The coupon expired when you did.” But even if it was worded perfectly, the joke wouldn’t make sense because no one would have a coupon for a restaurant in hell before they died.
This next caption alludes both to the fact that many waiters introduce themselves by name (why?), and to the fact that the Devil is called, among other things, Satan, Lucifer, Beelzebub, Belial, and The Prince of Darkness: “I go by many names, and I’ll be your server tonight.”
This caption suggests that it’s impossible to escape hell: “To go? I’m afraid not.”
This caption would be better without the first sentence: “Let me save you some time. There are peanuts in everything.”
These two entries both highlight the fact that there’s no way to slake your thirst in hell:
- “Can I start you off with nothing to drink?”
- “Sparkling or still? Just kidding.”
Many of you noted that dining in hell would be, at best, a frustrating experience:
- “The tip is automatically included in your bill.”
- “Excellent choice. You’re going to hate it.”
- “Any dietary restrictions we can ignore?”
- “I’m afraid we’re also out of that.”
- “We’re out of everything.”
- “All the tables wobble.”
Here’s a good example of turning a common statement into a fitting caption by changing just the last word: “We’re just waiting for the rest of your party to die.”
This entry does the same thing by changing the second-to-last word: “Are we celebrating a specific sin tonight?”
Finally, here’s a joke that makes the demon oblivious to his surroundings: “Oh, we don’t do flambe. It’s a safety hazard.”
We had an unusually difficult time choosing the winner and finalists this month because there were so many good entries.
Congratulations to GARY BORISLOW, who made nearly $700 with his winning caption: “Excellent choice. You’re going to hate it.” The five runners-up were:
- “You’re about to experience the worst meal you’ve ever had unless you’re British.” JOSEPH SILLS
- “We’re just waiting for the rest of your party to die.” KYAL SHEPARD
- “And for dessert, also kale.” MARC SIEGEL
- “Our menu is just deserts.” THOMAS ANDEL
- “To go? I’m afraid not.” COLIN MILLS
I don’t usually do this, but if I were judging the contest by myself I would have knocked out the entries submitted by Kyal Shepard and Joseph Sills—sorry, guys—and replaced them with these two captions:
- “I go by many names, and I’ll be your server tonight.”
- “Is everyone happy with their choices?”
If you who want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube Channel.
Like what you see? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more Caption Contest episodes.
Just a reminder, the rules have changed a bit. The winner will get half the money we collect from entrants (which could be far more or far less than $500, depending on the level of participation), and the five runners-up will split the balance. Furthermore, there is no longer a limit to the number of entries you may submit, but after the first three you submit for an entrance fee of $5.00, each additional entry costs $3.00.
The prize money increases with each participant, so encourage your friends to play.
And if you haven’t yet ordered my book on the caption contest even though it’s been out for almost two years, click on the following link:
