Last month’s contest, which elicited more than 500 entries, featured a drawing by New Yorker cartoonist Kaamran Hafeez, who joined our judges’ panel to help choose the winning entry and five runners-up. I was out of town when the judging happened, but prior to leaving I selected my top ten entries and sent them along to Trevor Hoey.
Kaamran’s drawing is set in a science lab, where a male scientist in a white lab coat and his female colleague are looking at an ape who’s sitting on a stool and typing on what appears to be a smartphone or tablet. The male scientist is speaking.
Kaamran’s original caption was a critique of social media: “We’ll have to take the phone away—he’s actually getting stupider.”
Several of you submitted similar critiques:
- “We gave him intelligence, but now social media is taking it away.”
- “He only posts nonsense but somehow has millions of followers.”
- “The control group got flip phones. They still make eye contact.”
This entry alludes to the addictive nature of smartphones: “The experiment ended Tuesday.”
This next caption cleverly notes that constant scrolling can replace real-life friendships, disrupt sleep, and trigger unhealthy comparisons with other people’s highlight reels: “The experiment’s working. He’s miserable.”
When captive primates get bored, stressed, or angry they sometimes throw their feces, which is often the only thing they can grab, so I wasn’t surprised to see a lot of scatological entries:
- “He used to throw feces. Now he posts.”
- “I wish he’d stop texting me the poop emoji.”
- “He keeps sending me poop emojis.”
- “Don’t provoke him or he’ll throw his stool.”
That fourth entry is also the month’s best pun. And like that pun, this next caption focuses on a minor detail in the drawing that most entrants overlooked: “Oh my God, you got him to sit on a stool.”
Here’s the month’s second-best pun: “He’s gathering data for us. He’s a survey monkey.”
I didn’t expect many sex jokes, but we got a couple good ones related to the prevalence of online pornography:
- “He learned to close the tab when we approach.”
- “He was halfway through the complete works of Shakespeare until he discovered internet porn.”
That second caption is a clever reference to the infinite monkey theorem, which posits that a monkey hitting keys on a typewriter for an infinite amount of time will type the entire works of Shakespeare. It would be so much better, though, if the person who submitted it had replaced the word “until” with the word “when,” which suggests that the ape stopped thinking about Shakespeare the minute he saw a naked body.
Here’s the second-best reference to the infinite monkey theorem: “No Shakespeare yet, but he’s got his own Substack.”
The next two entries highlight the importance of choosing just the right word(s):
- “He’s doing his own research.”
- “He says he’s doing his own research.”
At first glance, they appear to be the exact same joke, and the first version may even seem superior because it’s shorter. But the second version is much better. It suggests that the ape is conducting his own studies because, like the current Secretary of Health and Human Services, he doesn’t trust and has therefore rejected mainstream science. So while the first caption is good, the second is topical and a sharply critical comment on the disturbing trend to reject scientific experts and their methods and conclusions. It also suggests that Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. looks like an ape, which he does.
Speaking of looks, several of you noted that the ape bears an uncanny resemblance to the scientist:
- “He’s checking his family tree to see if we’re related.”
- “Should I be insulted that his Face ID opened up my phone?”
- “His face unlocked my tablet again.”
The next two entries have the scientist addressing not his assistant but the ape:
- “Use your thumbs.”
- “You used to tell us things. Now we get grunts.”
That second entry will resonate with parents whose children are glued to their screens. So will this entry: “It’s already affecting his posture.”
Finding a mate is a personal need and not a goal of scientific testing, but I still liked this reference to dating sites: “He prefers to find his own mate.”
Here’s the month’s best metaphor: “At last, a cage he won’t escape.”
And here’s the best attempt at turning a common phrase into a fitting caption: “Monkey see, monkey post.”
Someone else submitted the common phrase without changing a word: “Monkey see, monkey do.” And the next two captions make essentially the same joke:
- “They share 99% of our DNA—what did you expect?”
- “It’s learned behavior.”
This is one of the few captions that focuses the scientist’s assistant: “I don’t want to alarm you, but he’s applying for your position.”
Here’s an example of running a perfectly good joke by explaining it: “Or he may think the mirror is a smart phone and he’s trying to swipe to the next image.” The second clause is completely unnecessary.
Here’s a nice role-reversal caption: “He said to wait here until he assigns us to a treatment group.”
We don’t usually like meta jokes, but given the fact that you all submit your entries online we thought this was OK: “He’s surprisingly good at caption contests.”
Here was the month’s best Darwin joke: “If he’s so evolved, why isn’t he running the latest operating system?”
Most everyone who has visited a website has clicked a box to confirm that they read a long disclaimer and/or contractual provision they did not even scan. These two entries acknowledge that fact:
- “He read the terms and conditions. That’s not human.”
- “First time anyone’s actually read the NDA.”
I’ll end this month’s commentary with four decent entries that don’t fit neatly into any category:
- “Even with his primitive mind, he knows not to click on email attachments.”
- “Early results show we’re foolishly wasting money.”
- “Not really that impressive. His spelling is terrible.”
- “Ask for the tablet back. I’ll be in the hall.”
Congratulations to JOHN KONNO, who won the contest (and $563.24) with, “He says he’s doing his own research.” The runners-up are:
- “The control group got flip phones. They still make eye contact.” WAYNE KLINE
- “He used to throw feces. Now he posts.” WAYNE KLINE
- “At last, a cage he won’t escape.” WAYNE KLINE
- “It’s already affecting his posture.” KATHY WROBEL
- “Fist time anyone’s actually read the NDA.” CAROL LASKY
The winner and finalists should be familiar to anyone who follows the New Yorker and/or CartoonStock caption contests. And one of them, Wayne Kline, achieved something unprecedented this month by making it to the finalists’ round three times (and getting $337.92 in the process). That’s incredible.
If you who want to see how Bob, Trevor, Joel and Kaamran made their selections, they recorded the process and posted it on our YouTube channel.
Like what you see? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more Caption Contest episodes.
Just a reminder, the rules have changed a bit. The winner will get half the money we collect from entrants (which could be far more or far less than $500, depending on the level of participation), and the five runners-up will split the balance. Furthermore, there is no longer a limit to the number of entries you may submit, but after the first three you submit for an entrance fee of $5.00, each additional entry costs $3.00.
The prize money increases with each participant, so encourage your friends to play.
And if you haven’t yet ordered my book on the caption contest even though it’s been out for almost two years, click on the following link: