This month our panel of judges included the cartoonist Jason Adam Katzenstein. His captionless drawing is set at a graduation ceremony, where a dog is delivering the commencement address to a class of graduating canines. Jason’s original caption mocked the commencement speaker who starts his address by providing the dictionary definition of a word he finds relevant to the day’s event: “Let me begin with the Oxford Dictionary’s definition of ‘woof.’
One of you made the same joke: “How does Webster’s Dictionary define a good dog?”
Several of you transformed an ordinary statement into a pee joke:
- “Many of you already have a leg up on the competition.”
- “We all left our mark on this school.”
- “Go put your mark on the world.”
- “Oh, the places you’ll go!”
A few of you pursued the same strategy but avoided any reference to urine:
- “This is not the first time I’ve been asked to speak.”
- “I urge you all to pursue your masters.”
- “Don’t be afraid to screw the pooch.”
- “This is your day.”
That first caption is brilliant. It presents a smart and satisfying contrast between the high (receiving the honor of being asked to present the commencement address at a graduation ceremony) and the low (stupid pet tricks).
The third caption also contrasts the high (urging new graduates to risk making mistakes) and the low (dog sex), and if it’s not quite as clever as the first caption it wins points for being a little vulgar. The phrase “screw the pooch” intrigued Mankoff enough to conduct some research. He discovered the phrase is a more polite version of “fuck the dog,” a WWII expression for making a blunder. “Screw the pooch” was then popularized by Tom Wolfe’s 1979 book, “The Right Stuff” and its film adaptation. Thank God for Wolfe. I don’t think any of us judges would have selected “Don’t be afraid to fuck the dog” as one of our top-ten entries.
This entry (“On LinkedIn and Glassdoor, no one knows you’re a dog”) is a reference to one of the most popular New Yorker cartoons of all time:
For those of you who have several hundred thousand dollars lying around, the original of that Peter Steiner classic is about to be auctioned off.
I usually like short captions, but sometimes they need to be long. These three unusually lengthy entries contain no unnecessary words and establish a nice rhythm that adds to the pleasure of the jokes:
- “Now get out there and chase your dreams…or a car or a squirrel or a ball or a stick or your tail.”
- “We’ll forgo throwing the caps this year to avoid another Fetching Fracas of ’14.”
- “If you can imagine it, you can do it. Except for driving a car. Don’t do that.”
Mankoff says that last caption reminds him of something New Yorker cartoonist Jack Ziegler would have come up with. High praise, indeed.
Like “Fetching Fracas,” this next entry asks the reader to imagine a scene that’s not depicted in the cartoon: “Please note; dinner will be served from five fifteen until five sixteen.” I’d prefer that line if the times were not spelled out, but that’s a minor complaint.
As expected, there were a lot of allusions to the “dog ate my homework” trope. These were the two best:
- “This wasn’t easy. We had to eat a lot of homework.”
- “On a sad note, no more homework.”
This next entry does a nice job with a joke that PIXAR made repeatedly in the movie “Up,” which you should see immediately if you haven’t already watched it: “On this solemn occasion, it is with great –SQUIRREL!” The only problem is that the caption does not match the dog’s expression.
Here is the best version of the jokes about dog years: “These were the best twenty-eight years of my life.”
Trevor Hoey was a little ashamed to admit that this caption, which did nothing for me, made him laugh out loud: “We’re done, bitches!” This may be nitpicking, but doesn’t that joke suggest that all the dogs in the audience are female?
As long as I’m highlighting my disagreements with fellow judges, I’ll note that several of them liked this entry, which I found too cute: “When your name is called, please come forward to receive a belly rub.” I don’t like cute humor.
I do, however, like this entry, which is even funnier when spoken aloud: “Now that you’re all seated…stay…STAAAAY.”
Here are a couple clever references to the standard graduation ceremony requests to hold applause and silence phones:
- “Please hold your wagging until the end.”
- “Please silence your squeaky toys.”
Finally, we have a refreshing departure from all the positive messages most commencement speakers deliver: “Truth is, after today, many of you will spend time on the streets or in shelters.”
Congratulations to MARK SCHAEFER, who submitted this month’s winning caption: “This is not the first time I’ve been asked to speak.” That was also the top-rated entry in crowdsourcing, so for the second month in a row our judges and readers agreed on what deserved the top spot.
Here are the five runners-up:
- “We’ll forgo throwing the caps this year to avoid another Fetching Fracas of ’14.”
- “Please note; dinner will be served from five fifteen until five sixteen.”
- “Don’t be afraid to screw the pooch.”
- “On a sad note, no more homework.”
- “Please silence your squeaky toys.”
Watch the Judging Process
For those of you who want to see how we made our selections, we recorded the process with Jason and its posted below
Like what you see? Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more Caption Contest episodes.
I’ll end with some shameless self-promotion. On June 4, 2024, St. Martin’s Press will publish my book, “Your Caption Has Been Selected—More than anyone could possibly want to know about The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest.” It has a foreward by Bob Mankoff and 175 New Yorker cartoons. I hope to God you’ll all buy many copies.