Benjamin Schwartz’s cartoon is set in a police station, where a virologist is looking at a lineup of bacteria, fungi, and protozoa. The germ on the far right appears to be the coronavirus. The virologist is saying something to the police officer standing behind him.
My first caption is a pun that alludes to both germs and criminal law: “I won’t testify without immunity.”
My next alludes to the size of the coronavirus: “Like #4, but much smaller.”
Because COVID-19 spreads so quickly and easily, I came up with these captions:
- “Don’t put this guy in the general population.”
- “I’m not surprised you caught him.”
This next caption alludes to the lethal nature of the coronavirus: “Number four has killed and will kill again.”
Finally, here’s a reference to a reality TV program I heard about but never watched: “I recognize them all from ‘America’s Least Wanted.’”
Now let’s see how you did:
I’ll start with the best puns:
- “I’ll testify, but I want immunity.”
- “America’s Least Wanted.”
- “Yes, I’m positive.”
- “They’re all pathological.”
- “They all contaminated the evidence.”
- “They’ll probably plead insanitary.”
- “Never let that one anywhere near a cell.”
The next three entries address the unusually large size of the viruses, which can usually be detected only with a microscope:
- “I’m not sure. He was a lot smaller then.”
- “No. It was much smaller.”
- “It’s the size that’s throwing me off.”
The next five captions highlight the fact that viruses are contagious:
- “So, number 4 was the easiest to catch?”
- “I didn’t think you could catch him twice.”
- “These are all repeat offenders.”
- “I wouldn’t touch this case with a ten-foot pole.”
- “Are you sure they can’t infect me from in here?”
That last entry cleverly alludes to a trope in police procedurals—the witness who’s afraid the suspects can see through the two-way glass or even escape the lineup—but shouldn’t “here” be “there?”
Several of you referred to the various methods (distancing, masks) of protecting oneself against the coronavirus:
- “Could you ask Number 4 to move much further away?”
- “Can you ask number 4 to step back 6 feet?”
- “I’m not sure. It was dark and I was wearing a mask.”
- “I’m not sure, I was wearing a mask.”
I love that last caption—especially the way it suggests, like #3, that the witness (as opposed to the perpetrator) wore a mask during the commission of the crime—but I wish the comma were a period.
Here’s the week’s best topical caption—a reference not just o the pandemic but to last week’s insurrection at the Capitol: “As usual, the biggest threat to society is the far right.”
This entry notes that there are two types of infectious diseases: “On second thought, it could have been bacterial.”
These entries suggest that the scientist could not positively identify the guilty virus:
- “I think it’s number four, but you’ll want a second opinion.”
- “Once they mutate, it’s hard to make a positive ID.”
- “I’m not sure. They all look so virulent.”
- “They all look like killers.”
- “They all make me sick.”
And in this entry, the scientist needs a little help with the identification process: “Could you ask number 4 where he was in early January?”
But here, the scientist easily and with great certainty identifies the cause of his respiratory illness: “That one took my breath away.”
As I stated in the introduction to this commentary, I recognize only one of the viruses in the lineup. But, as these entries suggest, an actual scientist would know better:
- “Unfortunately, officer, I recognize them all.”
- “Can’t we just lock them all up?”
- “All of them.”
Here’s the one entry I like that does not reference viruses, let alone the pandemic, at all: “It was the ugly one.”
This week’s winner is, “I’ll testify, but I want immunity.”
One final note: I am for the tenth time a finalist in the New Yorker’Cartoon Caption Contest: https://www.newyorker.com/cartoons/contest.
ENTER THIS WEEK’S CAPTION CONTEST
Lawrence Wood has won The New Yorker’s Cartoon Caption Contest a record-setting seven times and been a finalist two other times. He has collaborated with New Yorker cartoonists Peter Kuper, Lila Ash, Felipe Galindo Gomez, and Harry Bliss (until Bliss tossed him aside, as anyone would, to collaborate with Steve Martin). Nine of his collaborations have appeared in The New Yorker, and one is included in the New Yorker Encyclopedia of Cartoons.