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'Here he comes to save the day. . .'
'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'
'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'
'But if we didn't measure things we wouldn't know how good we were at measuring the things that we're measuring.'
'In principal we're happy with the 'trust' idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated.'
Stress on GPs
'Actually I think you'll find it's really more like this.'
'I'll be back to address your needs as soon as the Government's White paper has identified what they are!'
'Exercise is good for your rehabilitation, you can start by cleaning the toilets.'
'This is the discharge nurse, she'll be able to tell you about all the services you aren't able to get any more when you leave.'
'The NHS is completely 'patient focussed'...and we have the paperwork to prove it.'
'Susan, hold all calls for the next six hours. I'm trying to comprehend the Affordable Care Act.'
'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'
'If we could just work out how to allocate enough medication to sufficient number of wrongly diagnosed non-existent patients who we've never met then we'd be in for a windfall.'
'And out hospital has rooms...lots of rooms, and some beds, and we've got stairs.'
Regulators Claim Practices Are Overloaded With Patient Surveys.
'I'm afraid we've lost all your records but a focus group we consulted was 49% in favour of you being pregnant.'
'Depressed, not sleeping, low self esteem...still enough about me, what can I do for you?'
'Advances in technology are staggering...they can spend ten times as much four times more quickly for only a tenth of the results.'
TRUST: 'Are you telling me that none of you knows what it means?'
Focussing on what's REALLY important
'We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities.'
'Of course we want medical staff to have choice...and this is how we want them to use it.'
'I can't go cold turkey...just let me interfere a little. A few targets, that's all I need just a few targets.'