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''AAAIIIGGGHHH'...So would that be a 'yes' to the question 'I believe my needs are understood'?'
'It's important to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual number 78/yh5-fg34c.'
'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'
'Due to cutbacks we've had to accept a sponsor for your stitches.'
'We're to spend more time engaging with patients on a more compassionate 'human' level...and here are the guidelines on how to do it!'
'I understand you've had some trouble with your breast implants.'
'I've had to book my appointment two weeks in advance, so we'll both sit here until I feel unwell.'
'The NHS is committed to patients having control over their care...So if you'd like to check your symptoms online I'll be back later for a diagnosis and careplan.'
'75% of our resources are taken up dealing with the aged and infirm...and that's just the staff!'
'He's worried that the 20% that changes is the only 20% he knows!'
'But if we didn't measure things we wouldn't know how good we were at measuring the things that we're measuring.'
'In principal we're happy with the 'trust' idea...as long as it's properly monitored and regulated.'
'I looked up my symptoms on the internet and I think I might be dead but I came in for a second opinion.'
Stress on GPs
'Exercise is good for your rehabilitation, you can start by cleaning the toilets.'
'Do you remember when all we had to do was look after people?'
'This is the discharge nurse, she'll be able to tell you about all the services you aren't able to get any more when you leave.'
'I'll be back to address your needs as soon as the Government's White paper has identified what they are!'
'Oh! Boy I can hardly believe it...I've never seen things going so well!'
'We wouldn't dream of blaming you...'
'And this is Mr Proctor, he manages the hospitals whistleblowing support team.'
'This is an 'old person', or if you want to use the more technical term, a 'bedblocker'.'
'All our nurses now have degrees...unfortunately nurse Pilbright's is in the expressive arts!'
'If you have ANY concerns about your treatment and want something done about it you need to video the problem on your phone and send it to the BBC's 'Watchdog'.'
'The NHS wants patients to make more decisions about their treatment...so here's your blood tests and a prescription pad, I'll be back later.'