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"What does any of this have to do with football?"
'Remember kids, school sports isn't just about winning - it's also about some serious after-school peer domination!'
The best PE teacher in the World.
'According to the government this is still a playing field.'
'I represent the Lilliput High School basketball team.'
The family tradition lives on: I won the Long Jump and the Triple Jump events...
'He hates basketball! He hates basketball! He hates basketball!'
'So you're doing this just for fun right? Right?'
'I'm doing this just to show my daughter there's no harm in losing.'
'Since the playing field was sold off we've become a centre of excellence for one-a-side football.'
'I'm just your average suburban gladiator mum.'
'Sorry... didn't get a chance to change after taking sports.'
'Can you do the dishes, love. I'll do the school run.'
"The won't let him play conkers at school in case he hurts himself. Why do they let him play rugby?"