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'You're beat. Maybe you need to wake up to a better morning news team.'
"The market hit new highs today, while the contrition index remained at zero."
'In a Washington economic summit, a panel of three economists offered two dozen opinions about the direction of global economics.'
'Stocks shot up. . . no one on the committee could understand a word that Bernanke was saying.'
Despite recent uncertainty, analysts said today they will continue to make predictions.
'The dollar fell against all major currencies this morning, and then, while getting up, bumped its head, REALLY HARD, on some sort of coffee table. I'm afraid that's all we have right now. Stay tuned for further updates.'
"Markets reacted to the news by edging aside kind of awkwardly and then pretending to take a phone call."
"Well, I'm sure that Alan Greenspan's mother is very proud."
Tags:alan greenspan, chairman of the federal reserve, federal reserve, chair of the federal reserve, economist, economists, economics, business news, financial news, financial report, financial reports, stock market, stock markets, proud parent, proud parents, parental pride, economic downturn, economic downturns, recession, recessions, economic policy
'Hey, Naomi, remember last week when you said nothing short of a miracle could save MicroTechnoCom from bankruptcy?'
'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'
"On Wall Street today, news of lower interest rates sent the stock market up, but then the expectation that these rates would be inflationary sent the market down, until the realization that lower rates might stimulate the sluggish economy pushed the mark
'Economists confirmed today, that the most reliable economic indicator is necktie width.'
'Here's a rundown of today's stock prices...citizen uprisings...paradigm shifts...'
'There's been no confirmation, but the possible merger of two giants has sent stock prices soaring.'
'Stocks remained steady, due to weak production in the rumor mills today...'
'The market was up today on rumors that the rumors were only rumors...'
'Stocks fell on the perception that stocks would fall on the perception that stocks were falling.'
"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."
Tags:stock market, stock markets, stocks and bonds, reporter, reporters, sports reporter, sports reporters, newscaster, newscasters, news anchor, news anchors, economic news, finance, finances, financial information, business news, journalist, journalists, telecast, telecasts, telecaster, market, marketing, market expert, market experts, baseball, baseball player, baseball players, batter, batters, batting, batting average, batting averages
A Man and His Cat Read the Financial News.
'Dang! The recession is over and we didn't even know it!'
"And now, if you don't want to know today's Dow Jones closing, look away from your set until the music stops."
'Stocks closed lower on the reaffirmation of Einstein's theory that 'everything is relative...''
'I think my dad's favorite team is the 'the bulls'.'
'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'