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'Stocks edged higher on news that predictions of armageddon are premature...'
'Stocks rose on the news that random acts of kindness today outnumbered random acts of violence.'
'The government released no economic date today...and stocks rose on the notion that 'no news is good news'.'
'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''
'Stocks rose on news that 'green' - the color of money - is considered environmentally friendly.'
'Tech stocks soared on news of the high number of employees who play computer games at work...'
'Today's stock rise was due to a high pressure system over wall street...'
'Tech stocks rose on news that nerds are now considered 'hip'.'
'Stocks rose on the news that 'down' is a state of mind that can be treated with pharmaceuticals.'