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Execution Fairground Attraction
"Great news, Phil! The governor has determined that you don't have a high enough I.Q. to merit execution."
Tags:execution, executions, death penalty, the death penalty, electric chair, the electric chair, lethal injection, lethal injections, death row, prison, prisons, prisoner, prisoners, crime, crimes, criminal, criminals, lawyer, lawyers, attorney, attorneys, death row lawyer, death row lawyers, capital punishment, low iq, iq, incompetent, incompetence, temporary insanity, temporarily insane, legal system, the legal system, illogical, irrational, insanity defense, insanity defence, defense lawyer, defence lawyers, defense lawyers, defence lawyers, criminal prosecution
"Everything's more fun with Muppets!"
Tags:execution, executions, children's show, children's shows, childrens show, childrens shows, kid, kids, audience, audiences, child, children, inappropriate, cute, evil, fun, guillotine, capital punishment, death penalty, dark humor, dark humour, black humor, black humour, lighten up, lightening up, shock, offense, offence
"And now let's welcome, for the first and last time . . ."
Tags:execution, executions, execute, executes, executing, modern life, capital punishment, guest, guests, talk show, talk shows, talk show host, talk show hosts, commodify, commodifies, commodification, death penalty, state murder, state murders, state-sanctioned murder, anti-death penalty, late night talk show, late night talk shows, dark humor, dark humour
"They'll think twice before making fun of you again!"
Tags:snl, comedian, comedians, comedy show, comedy shows, donald trump, president trump, comedy sketch, comedy sketches, trump administration, us politics, american politics, guillotine, guillotines, execution, executions, dictator, dictators, tyranny, tyrant, tyrants, beheading, free speech, free press, independent press
"To make it look like an accident."
Tags:accident, accidents, accidental, cover-up, covers up, covering up, execution, execution, mafia hit, mafia hits, mobster, mobsters, whacked, banana peel, banana skin, banana skins, murder, murders, murderer, murderers, gangster, gangsters, forensic, forensic investigation, forensic investigations, clue, clues, planting evidence, plant, plants, planting, accident, accidents, look like an accident, make it look like an accident, shooting, shootings
'Here - The Royal Safety Council said you have to wear this.'
Tags:helmet, helmets, safe, safety, health and safety, safety council, council, councils, local council, execution, executioner, executioners, executions, executing, executed, executes, guillotine, beheading, beheaded, pointless, kill, killing, killed, kills, killer, killers, the flying mccoys, flying mccoys
'Before you're released, would you mind taking our exit survey?'
"Now that we've got your head back on, let's move to the next bit of business."
Tags:gates of heaven, pearly gates, pearl gates, st peter, st. peter, heaven, the afterlife, afterlife, life after death, saint peter, king, kings, royal, royals, royalty, execution, executions, executed, leader, leaders, coup, coups, revolution, revolutions, businesslike, business-like, efficient, efficiency
'The bad news is you're to be executed at dawn. The good news is your executioner is not a morning person.'
"And with 10 being the highest, you're sure you're only at a 6?"
"On the one hand, I know I could make more money if I left public service for the private sector, but, on the other hand, I couldn't chop off heads."
Tags:king, kings, sovereign, sovereigns, ruler, rulers, monarch, monarchs, monarchy, royal, royalty, politics, history, historical, medieval, politician, politicians, government, governments, public service, public sector, private sector, business, business sector, money, execution, executions, beheading, beheadings, capital punishment, decapitation, decapitations, insecure, insecurity, insecurities, corporate, problem, problems, chop off, chopping off, head, heads, punishment, punishments, obstacle, obstacles, courtier, courtiers, pros, cons, advantages, disadvantages
"I can't belive that I'm late for my own execution."
Tags:new york, ny, urban, urban life, urban living, city, cities, city life, living in the city, city living, car, cars, vehicle, vehicles, automobile, automobiles, taxi, taxis, taxi cab, taxi cabs, cab, cabs, driver, drivers, driving, traffic, traffic jam, gridlock, bumper-to-bumper, congestion, stuck in traffic, stuck, trapped, unable to move, rush hour, late, tardy, tardiness, lateness, death, execution, executions, capital punishment, death penalty, crime, criminal, criminals, convict, convicts, blindfold, blindfolds, blindfolded, transportation
"O.K. That covers the last meal. Now, which would you prefer, hanging, electrocution, or lethal injection?"
Tags:prison, prisons, jail, jails, incarceration, inmate, inmates, convict, convicts, prisoner, prisoners, criminal, criminal, crime, punishment, punishments, capital punishment, death penalty, officer, officers, guard, guards, jailer, jailers, prison guard, prison guards, note, notes, questionnaire, questionnaires, survey, surveys, data collection, last meal, last meals, meal, meals, food, hanging, electrocution, lethal injection, execution, executions, methods of execution, condemned, black humor, black humour, dark humor, dark humour
"I won't lie to you.Chopin's 'Funeral March' is a bad sign."
Tags:court, courts, courtroom, courtrooms, trial, trials, legal system, justice system, law, legal, judge, judges, lawyer, lawyers, counselor, counselors, counsellors, counsellors, attorney, attorneys, solicitor, solicitors, barrister, barristers, legal counsel, jury, juries, defendant, defendants, client, clients, defense, defence, foreman, foreman, verdict, verdicts, sentencing, punishment, punishments, capital punishment, death penalty, execution, executions, bad sign, bad signs, lie, lies, lying, truth, honest, honesty, orchestra, music, musical instrument, musical instruments, instrument, instruments, conductor, conductors, conducting, musician, musicians, composer, composers, frederic chopin, chopin, piano sonata no. 2, funeral march
"OK, now—this time for real!"
Tags:false start, false starts, miss, misses, missing, firing squad, firing squads, death penalty, capital punishment, death row, execution, executions, execute, executes, executing, executioner, executioners, frighten, frightens, frightening, scare, scares, scaring, scare to death, scares to death, scaring to death, target, targets, targeting, targeted
"Wait - use a knife. It's greener."
Tags:green, green lifestyle, green lifestyles, green energy, conserve, conserves, conserving, conservation, murder, murders, murderer, murderers, murdering, execution, executions, hit, hits, mafia, gangster, gangsters, gang, gangs, mobster, mobsters, mob, organized crime, organised crime, responsibility, recycle, recycles, recycling, conscientious, conscientiousness, stab, stabs, stabbing, stabbings
"And then on Friday at two you're scheduled to be put to death by lethal injection."
Tags:secretary, secretaries, pa, pas, personal assistant, personal assistants, administrator, administrators, schedule, schedules, agenda, agendas, death penalty, the death penalty, lethal injection, lethal injections, capital punishment, death row, on death row, death row inmate, prisoner, prisoners, criminal, criminals, inmate, inmates, full schedule, full schedules, death sentence, the death sentence, execution, executions, business man, business men, business person, business people, businessman, businessmen, businessperson
"Good morning, beheaded—uh, I mean beloved."
Tags:king, kings, queen, queens, sovereign, sovereigns, ruler, rulers, monarch, monarchs, monarchy, royal, royalty, medieval, history, historical, henry viii, king henry viii, beheading, execution, executions, threat, threats, threatening, bad sign, red flag, marriage, marriages, married life, couple, couples, relationship, relationships, relationship issues, relationship problems, slip of the tongue, mistake, mistakes
'great news Your Majesty! The Kennel Club is thinking of naming a spaniel after you!!'
"This is what you get for trying to be a wit."
Tags:wit, wits, witty, wittiness, witticism, witticisms, smart alek, smart aleks, smart alec, smart alecs, jestor, jestors, jester, jesters, firing squad, firing squads, executioner, executioners, execution, executions, death penalty, death penalties, death sentence, death sentences, smart ass, smart asses, dictator, dictators, dictatorship, tyranny, tyrannies, tyrant, tyrants
"I guess my wife couldn't make it."
Tags:king, kings, queen, queens, sovereign, sovereigns, ruler, rulers, monarch, monarchs, monarchy, royal, royalty, history, historical, medieval, jester, jesters, fool, fools, comedian, comedians, juggler, jugglers, juggling, death, dead, widow, widows, husband, husbands, dead husband, dead husbands, wife, wives, shocked, surprised, too soon, mourning, grieving, head, heads, beheaded, beheading, beheading, executed, execution, executions, capital punishment, punishment, punishments, decapitated, decapitation, decapitations, rebellion, rebellions, revolution, revolutions
"I couldn't agree more - but, then again, I hate even non-lethal injections."
Tags:cocktail party, crime, capital punishment, execution, death, fitness, lethal injection, lethal injections, capital punishment, injection, injections, shot, shots, needle, needles, fear of needles, needle phobia, needle phobias, morality, executions, anti-death penalty, death penalty abolition, abolish, abolishes, abolishing, small talk, mankoff
"You have a choice of three-bean salad or lethal injection."
Tags:restaurant, restaurants, diner, diners, cafe, cafes, dining out, eating out, meal, meals, food, eating, dining, waiter, waiters, server, servers, waitress, waitresses, service, customer service, order, orders, ordering, menu, menus, three-bean salad, salad, salads, bean, beans, lethal injection, punishment, punishments, capital punishment, death penalty, execution, executions, death, choice, choices, choosing, option, options, decision, decisions, deciding