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'Nothing, honey, except flare up unexpectedly and cause a lot of trouble. Sort of like your uncle.'
'I have reason to believe that my sister is getting a bigger allowance than me. I think you and mom should be more forthcoming and transparent.'
"Does a new Civil War mean we don't have to go to your sister's for Thanksgiving?"
'Yesterday her kids and my kids started beating up our kids.'
"It's not nepotism if I'm the best son for the job."
'Mom says it's time for a family powwow.'
'You can protest all you want. But only until bedtime. And not in front of the television. And no, I am not stepping down.'
"Before it's too late, Dad, I want to take the opportunity to say 'I love you.'"
'The kids are on a hunger strike, I'm on a diet, and you're on your own.'
'Do you like your mother-in-law?'
'Around here your mom is the management. I'm just the middle management.'
'If this family is a democracy, how come I can't run for Father?'
'Say hello to mother, Stanley.'
'Dad, I don't need a two-thirds majority to over-ride your veto. I've got mom.'
"I'm enjoying retirement, except for the spending more time with my family part."