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"I selected option 2, for help with my billing question, but was switched to option 3, to get a hard time with my billing question."
'Your call is important to whoever we are after our last merger.'
"This call may be monitored for training purposes or just to keep our staff amused."
"Guess how I got even with the telecommunications industry today."
'Welcome to the automated booking line. Please state your location.' 'Oxford' 'I'm sorry. I didn't hear that. Please try again.' 'Oxford, you dumb robot!' 'I think you said 'Dumbarton'. Please press '9' to confirm.'
Then - 'It feels so odd talking to a disembodied voice.' Now - 'It's so nice to actually speak to a human being.'
'That must be lively on-hold music.'
Willie Nelson, hold music.
"You have reached the Heisenberg Institute. Your call will be answered in random order."
"Paranoia Hotline. To hear what people are saying about you, press one. To learn who's tracing this call, press two."
"It just says, 'Press one for English.'"
I'm going to put you on hold. We're having problems with our hold music so I'll just hum.
Please listen carefully as our menu has changed...
'It's that automated heavy breathing again.'
'I'm dialing the bank for you. In what language would you like to hear the instructions?'
'...if you've been naughty, press one, if you've been nice, press two...
'Hello...Dr Smith...this is...Fred Yomp's computer...'
'Well, it's been nice talking to you, even if you are a recording.'