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"I said, that's my final offer, Carmody. Pressing the pound key for more options will get you nowhere."
Snobs club: Press 1 to speak to a somebody, press 2 to speak to a nobody.
'A human being answered the phone!'
Elderly man on phone in bed - 'Press 1 if you have bed sores, Press 2 if you need to go to the toilet...'
'Please stay on the line -- your call is very important to us... important to us... important to us....'
'...thanks for calling. You will now getting kicked out of the line.'
'You are through to the Samaritans. Press 1 if you are depressed, press 2 if you are suicidal ...'
Two week's rehearsing vicious phone revenge were just sucked dry by 5 minutes of menu options.
'If you want to pay your bill, press one. If you want to discuss your bill, press two. If you're frustrated because you can't just talk to a living, breathing, human being, press three.'
Automated customer service.
'I don't want to talk to any flunkies. Put me straight through to the computer.'
'Adjust your listening device, as our menu has changed...'
'For deliveries press the hatch key.'
'Press one to speak to God, two to speak to another operator, and three to pass straight into heaven.'
Click...'Heaven is unable to get to the phone at the moment, but if you'd like to leave your prayers at the sound of the tone, they will be answered.'
"You have reached the Office of Status Quo. Relax. No need to listen carefully. Our menu options never change."