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'For some strange reason personnel want us to review our equal opportunities employment policies!'
"Before you run a marathon maybe you should start with 50 yards?" Set acheivable targets.
"This is Igor...he's responsible for enforcing the new personnel mangement protocols."
'Leaders need to be prepared to make sacrifices, and you're mine!'
Meeting the Masai didn't improve his management skills quite as much as we'd have liked...but on a positive note he thinks he could now take down a wildebeest at 200 yards with his pool cue.
Set achievable training: "Right, so that's agreed we'll scrap plans to develop a faster than light machine and concentrate on getting the buses to run on time."
"According to current research, retention is helped by providing training and appropriate support, there's no mention of chaining people to their desks!"
This is Martin from operations, he'll be conducting a review of ward personnel management . . ."
'Well we did have to make some capital investments...but only in another whiteboard.'
"Miss Roberts, would you mind rehiring all 380 employees I fired last week? I've come to realize this company can't function without them."
'Actually minister it doesn't really matter WHAT you say as long as you include a combination of the words 'choice', 'empowerment' and 'client focussed'.'
"We shuttered Human Resources once we realized all of our employees were robots."
'Call it intuition, but there's something I can't put my finger on that's telling me Geoff is looking to move.'
"I hear you have been split testing our online advertising campaign. I haven't got a clue what that is but stop it now."
'Call this one -I like short resumes.'
'By the time we'd finished the strategic review of our policies regarding customer care they'd all left and gone somewhere else.'
'Undermined and under-appreciated, constantly chasing ever-changing unreasonable targets, depressed and overstressed...still enough about me. What can I do for you?'
'Good gracious, no sir! He's at a hiring fair.'
'We value you in ways that cannot be expressed in money.'
Atilla the Hun, sadly neglected by historians for his progressive approach to personnel management.
'That's Mike... He's on a strict 'need to no' basis.'
Pat on the back machine
Of course the teasts are complete nonsense but we're working on the basis that anyone who can be bothered to complete all 148 of them must be highly motivated...