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"Move to Sweden."
"Your assessment shows that you're a megalomaniac with psychopathic tendencies, completely bereft of any interest or concern for others. When can you start?"
"No, I don't actually feel sorry for you, I'm just practicing active listening."
"...He broke your heart, did he? Well, I can't say I didn't see this coming!"
"Your family is pretty messed up."
'Hey, do you want me to stop eating nachos while you cry?'