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"All I can figure is that he must have been inspecting the water quality of our lakes and rivers when he became entangled in cement."
"This just in: alternative facts are not facts. They're lies. I'm a delinquent ten-year-old and even I know that."
"Now, understand, I'm not suggesting that you actually do anything with any of these tools."
"Maybe if we put stone statues in their place, no one will notice that they've flown away."
"Of course I'm late. Haven't you been following my Twitter feed?"
People magazine decides on its most popular cover ever - Brad and Angelina juggling the octuplets.
I don't have the test I scheduled for today. My dog ate it.
'Shoplifting? Good gracious no-possessive hubby,actually!'
"You roosters won't get kicked out of the house if you just act normal."
"When Gracie says... "Dad I need a haircut!" she really means... "Dad I went to sleep while chewing gum again!"