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Under renovation - please excuse construction
"The nerve of some folks, fronting up without a booking this close to Christmas."
Let's stick to 'No room at the inn' and leave out 'Have you tried the internet?'
"Remember, I'm a condor: Please ensure you book only extra large nests for the duration of the trip..."
"Do you have a reservation, sir?"
"But your room does have a sea view, it's 43 miles over there behind the power station."
"I don't understand, it got 5 stars on the travel website."
"Which website did you find this hotel on?"