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"Those bullet holes are something new, aren't they?"
Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."
"I don't really need to avoid gluten, but I feel it's a popular concern with broad appeal we can all share."
'No. We don't serve irradiated beef. Why do you ask?'
'What's the catch of the day?' 'Hepatitis!'
'It'll spoil the view ... what about migratory birds ... will it trigger seizures?'
'He doesn't smoke around the kids or at home, but he doesn't seem to worry about MY passive smoking!'
"Excuse me, sir! Do these vegetables have any dangerous additives?"
"The TV just said cellphones give off dangerous radiation! That's it! I'm stopping this right now!"
'You really should quit smoking.'
'It's middle age spread.' 'I can't believe I'm not thinner.'