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"Hello, this is Johnny Deadbeat. I'm not home right now but my check is in the mail."
Gas station with a sign saying "Free credit report with full tank of gas"
"Your sole use of credit has been to purchase Chinese takeout food. That's why you can't get a mortgage."
"Great news! All of those bill collectors stopped hounding me because the hacker who stole my identity is being hounded by them now."
"I don't see much borrowing on your credit report but I do see a lot of begging and stealing."